Here’s a house-listing to tempt the most ardent VampireFreaks user! For a mere $225,000 you can pick up a modest one-bed, one-bath property in the charming neighbourhood of Arundel Village, Baltimore that’s hiding (not very effectively) a dark secret from the world.

From the moment you step through the glossy black front door of this unassuming home, you’ll be transported to a world of, uh, more glossy black furniture and fittings. And glossy black upright lounge casket of course, a real conversation piece for when friends come ’round to drink knock-off absinthe-flavoured alcopops and marathon the ‘Twilight’ films.

Perhaps it’s just one guest and you’d like to retire to more intimate surroundings? Not to worry! Simply take a step down the thickly-carpeted staircase with no bannisters into a yawning black pit you call the Vault of Solitude, the estate agents call an ‘open rec room’ and I see as only a slight upgrade from your parent’s basement.

With a widescreen TV and trademark glossy black walls, who needs anything else other than two La-Z-Boys and an exposed heating system? Not us denizens of the underworld, that’s for sure!

Hey, things are going really well! Your ghoulish guest would love to spend longer with you – let’s move things to the Master (😏) Bedchamber.

“Hey baby” you purr “Ever slept on the set of a mid-Nineties shock-rock music video? Ever seen yourself in so many mirrors even Marilyn Manson’s people sent them back as ‘too much’? Don’t worry about the bedposts, I lost the buckles a while ago but they’re great for hanging your velvet cape on.”

Abandon hope all ye who enter here!

Seems like they’d actually enjoy more of a tour, now they mention it. No problem, time to go to the pièce de résistance, the true beating dark heart of Castle (gloss) Black, your own actual customised back-yard graveyard!

Well, I mean, obviously you’re gonna wanna get some more headstones from Party Delights when they next get their Halloween shipments in. And the gates are kind of impractical now you come to think of it, they don’t lead anywhere and it’s frankly a trip hazard without the external lights on, but they do spoil the mood. And it’s kind of annoying you don’t get the benefit of the ‘Cemetery’ sign from the back porch. Wait, what’s the difference between cemetery and graveyard again? Does it matter?

Nothing matters when you’ve got your own outside bar though, where you can sit and chill, admire your bitching spraypainted skull mural on the garage, and not worry about being barred for buying drinks for minors at that sketchy dive anyway.
No, the only spooky girl you need to worry about is the one that might climb out of that fake well you’ve planted in the middle of the overgrown back yard.

You can also catch a Raiders game if you like. I don’t know, I can’t convincingly dunk on a sports team, that’s just way out of my field of expertise.

This unique property is on Townsend Ave in Baltimore, represented by Matt Godbey of RE/MAX Results agents (all photos by them, with thanks) and a modest $225,000 nets you 1,540 sq ft of space and all the gloss black your dark heart could desire.

Come freely. Go safely; and leave something of the memes you bring!

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